creative writing / humor / Uncategorized

The Careful Care of Aunt Agnes

Aunt Agnes was stone silent for a change as she stared at the accent green wall in her small room. “Green is one of those calming colors,” I tell her.

“Hmph!” she replied.

She had twisted her knee and had the unfortunate luck of minor surgery and six weeks at the rehabilitation center. This was Rehab Day One, and already she had slayed three staff members. I was here to run intervention, attempting to get Aunt Agnes to tap into her softer side in an effort to cooperate with her captors.

“Do you know they send some man in here when I eat? He asks me stupid questions. That hasn’t a darn thing to do with my knee!”

“Like what sort of questions, Aunt Agnes?”

“Can I name five animals? Where do I live? Where am I at? I told him I was here for therapy, and I’m ditching my apartment to move into Trump Tower!”

“Oh, Aunt Agnes,” I said shaking my head. “What else did you tell him?”

“Poppycocks, I mean roosters, dingbats, bulls, bullfinches, bullfrogs, BULL!”

“Aunt Agnes…”

“My sleep is all messed up. I’m awake all night and sleep all day.”

“Are you turning into a vampire, perhaps?”

“Well, I may!”

“Let me open these blinds to see if you sparkle….”

“This place….the woman across the hall says she has to lock her door. She said someone stole her teeth!”

“Maybe they were confused….”

“Well, at least my teeth are firmly attached to my mouth!”

“Oh Aunt Agnes, it’s ok. You only have to be here for two weeks. Can’t you ease up on the staff a bit?”

She sniffled. “Well, I do like that Vincent fellow. He brings me Biofreeze for my stiff legs. I like the hairstylist too. You know some crazy bar floozy tried to run over her best friend outside the Lonely Hearts Saloon?”

“Probably. I mean anything with the word ‘saloon’ in the name would seem to invite trouble. Just think, Aunt Agnes, you will be done with therapy in time to catch Dr. Phil and Judge Judy every day.”

The prospect of this brightened her spirits up considerably. She looked at me and smiled,

“Can you name five soap stars?” she asked coyly.

**Sparkling vampires – in case you don’t know where that came from, you may have missed Stephanie Meyer’s amazing Twilight series…but that’s okay.  Now you know.  Smile!

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25 thoughts on “The Careful Care of Aunt Agnes

  1. Aunt Agnes and Count Dracula, soon in theaters near you… I like the sound of that. I didn’t know vampires sparkled in sunlight, I thought starlings did…

    • It was only recently, Sha’Tara, that vampires began sparkling in daylight. Thanks to Stephanie’s dream, then writing about it the next day, and boom….the phenomenal Twilight series was born. Who knew it was that easy? Why couldn’t I have dreamed about sparkling vampires? You know, they had Abe Lincoln take on vampires once….lol!

  2. I missed that vampire series, all the ones I know have vampires melting in the sunlight, which I suppose might cause some sparks to fly…… I do hope aunt Agnes doesn’t turn into a vampire, she’d make a really truculent one!

  3. I understand the song choice but am hoping Aunt Agnes suggested it. Is my love for this lady healthy? I’m not sure it is but there is so much to admire and not just on the dentistry front. Cracking piece of writing, LT, highly enjoyable 🙂

    • Phil, I couldn’t find a song about the Trump Tower. ..but I did find one on YouTube called, “Hey Mr. Tangerine Man…build that wall for me.” :D. I’m thinking of revising the song for this piece, although Aunt Agnes has always been a fan of a screaming guitar. Thank you, so glad you liked it.

  4. I just LOVE Aunt Agnes. I was a geriatric nurse for 16 years and the dialogue is so believable that you almost couldn’t have made it up. Biofreeze? hee hee. I love Judge Judy, too. 🙂

    • Very cool, Joan. I didn’t know you had been a nurse. I am so partial to elderly folks, and I truly admire the people that work and help them. Older citizens are a treasure. I love Biofreeze and Judge Judy 😀

  5. Lol! Slaying the staff! 😂 I absolutely know how she must feel! And that twinkling vampire remark – very clever 😉 You probably know that I have a soft spot when it comes to vampires so I knew at once what you were referring to 😄 Stephanie Meyer’s a genius! Thanks for making me laugh! I already look forward to the next installment of Aunt Agnes – she’s adorable!! 😄

    • Thank you, Sarah. Oh that Aunt Agnes, ha ha….she can be something else. I do know about your penchant for vampires. I have a long standing fearful infatuation with them myself. I will try to share my book excerpt on that with you (the publisher limits word count on sharing), but it is rather humorous and I think you might like it :-D. I adore your slightly different Count too!

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