fiction / flash fiction / Uncategorized

Aunt Agnes and the Accidental Invasion

It all started when Ilene Wilson showed up at Dominoes Club saying that her husband, Ralph, had been taken away by an Accidental Invasion.

“I have never heard tell of such!” exclaimed Aunt Agnes, giving me a sharp look over her dominos. Aunt Agnes had been worried about our neighbor, Ilene, ever since she found out she had been taking Nervous Pills, you know, for her nerves and all.

“I think those things have got her,” Aunt Agnes whispered to me as I put a domino on the table.

Ilene and Ralph had been our neighbors now for goin’ on four years. Truthfully, I was pretty sure I had seen Ralph slip out of the building a few times getting on the casino bus going over to Oklahoma to gamble. Ilene would have skinned him alive if she knew he was over there wasting money.

“So Ilene, what exactly is an accidental invasion?”

“They didn’t mean to invade us. They were supposed to go three doors down. Ralph said he would show them…”

“Ilene, honey who are they?”

“Those men. That crew with the green shirts…”

“Oh, okay,” I replied.

Aunt Agnes clicked her tongue and checked her domino hand. The other ladies looked at her in suspense. What exactly could be in Aunt Agnes’ domino hand?  Who were the men in green shirts?  Would Ralph come back in time for choir practice?  Why was Ilene taking nerve pills?

Aunt Agnes smiled. “Don’t you worry none, honey. I’m sure it’s all a big mistake. Nobody would even want Ralph.” She winked at me and laughed lightly. Of course, I knew that Aunt Agnes really wasn’t kidding. She didn’t like Ralph. I saw the building secretary come into the snack bar.

“Excuse me,” there’s Lucy. I needed to ask her a question. She was wearing her Fries Before Guys t-shirt from the local burger joint.

“Lucy, by chance has the landscaping crew been here?”

“Why yes, they have been tree trimming outside, why?”

“Oh, I see. Do you think they may have borrowed Ralph?”

“Whatever for?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” I said.

A few minutes later, Ralph came strolling in and smiling like someone who was never abducted.

“Oh there you are!” exclaimed Ilene.

“Why yes,” he responded.

Aunt Agnes looked at him shrewdly. “We thought you were lost.”

“Oh no, the landscapers asked for my opinion on placing the pansies,” said Ralph.

“Well, that’s good,” I replied.

“See there. No aliens or bad guys either, Ilene,” said Aunt Agnes.

“Don’t you remember, Ilene?” asked Ralph.

“I kinda do now. I think I must have been dozing when you left. Maybe I dreamt it…” she said slowly.

“Look at the time, we should be going,” said Aunt Agnes laying down her dominos. She tugged at my elbow. “Jillie here is going to make Trudy a Facebook. Just like that little Norbie dog. I think Trudy is gonna be famous!” she said.

I gave her a short smile. “Now, Aunt Agnes, there’s lots of cute little dogs out there.”

“Well none of them are like her. She’s one of a kind!” Aunt Agnes is like that, once she gets something in her head…

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34 thoughts on “Aunt Agnes and the Accidental Invasion

  1. Having worked many years with elderly people, I can tell you, this is spot-on. Dominos, gossip, bus trips to the casino. Is this the same Aunt Agnes with the salt lamp?? I loved bit about the “nervous pills.” My grandpa used to take those when I was little. He used to pop his teeth out too, and it freaked us out. Here is a book I think you would love: Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind by Ann B. Ross. 🙂

  2. A delightful story among the dommies, LT. And I’m even aware of Van Morrison 🙂
    I saw an email notification nestled nicely in my list before I left this morning and had been looking forward to being reacquainted with Aunt Agnes upon my return. The pair of you didn’t disappoint 🙂

  3. Love the part with the “Nervous pills” – it´s like you take them to get nervous! 😉 Seem at least to work that way for poor Auntie Agnes 😉 And “Smiling like someone who was never abducted” – brilliant! 🙂

  4. Pingback: Aunt Agnes and the Accidental Invasion | Myths of the Mirror

  5. Because of huge Hispanic population in Miami there is a Domino Park, always packed, never a seat available.Nothing like the slam of dominoes on a table and the boasting of old men. They can keep that disgusting cigar smoke though.

  6. Just for you, Lana. My take on what Aunt Agnes is made of…

    RECIPE FOR AUNT AGNES

    3 lbs gray matter, aged at least 80 years
    2 sharp eyes
    1 tendency to say what’s on your mind
    4 large tea bags
    Plenty of sunshine
    1 cup sugar, more as needed
    ½ of a lemon
    A dash of salt

    Take all ingredients out to the wraparound porch. Submerge tea bags in water in a half-gallon Mason jar and set it in a patch of sunshine. Have a seat in the white wicker chair, the one by the begonias. While waiting for the tea to brew, fan yourself and exclaim “Lordy, it’s hot out here!” Allow sharp eyes to roam around the neighborhood. Use gray matter to wonder why the preacher’s car is parked in the driveway of the woman who always preens in the front row of church with the top three buttons of her blouse undone. Remind yourself that it’s none of your business. Stir in the sugar until dissolved. Smile sweetly at the preacher, noting his disheveled state as he exits. Squeeze in the lemon, add the salt, and carry the jar inside. Fill a tall glass with ice, sweet tea, and a splash of vodka. Just a splash. Sip it as you phone your best friend. While chatting, decide that maybe it is your business after all. Share the gossip, but forbid the friend from passing it on, or if she does, saying it came from you.

    Serves 2, but could feed a crowd, just like those miraculous loaves and fishes.

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