essay / humor / school

Smarter Than a 5th Grader….or Not

Unprepared….check. Hectic….check. Disobey the rules…always. Where do you go? Go through this door, down then two, step out another door, not that big, metal one, then go through the cafeteria and the kids should be out there. If you should have any problems, just use their conduct folders where you can open them up and see a series of dates, codes, teachers and locations which all resemble some sort of language that the State Department might use for security. Okay…should? Welcome to the world of substitute teaching.

Today it is 5th grade science which is no problem even if you majored in English or Art or Business or something else totally unrelated because everyone remembers the Periodic Table and knows all about elements and properties and kids who don’t do their work. So speaking of being out of one’s element, this might comprise an average day of conversation:

Ms. B. “Why did you call table order? We always line up in Line Order. ”

Thank you, Samantha. Okay then, everyone heard her….Line Order and Quick!

Ms. B. “You really need to write the words so they will appear on the whiteboard. Mr. M. always stands right there.”

“Well this is how we are doing it today.”

Ms. B. “Something growled behind me.”

“Well Caleb, I have some bad news and some worse news. It’s a demon. The worse news is that it is only haunting you. I suggest you text Amy from The Dead Files immediately on the very same phone that you have been texting on all class period long when everyone else was diligently answering their questions on the atomic weight of carbon and who constructed the ancient Mayan pyramids.”

Ms. B. “Are you frustrated?”

“No, Ashley, not at all. Ms. B. is just tired…..and sort of ….flabbergasted.”

Okay, so maybe I didn’t tell that student that he had demon trouble, but I’m sure more adventures await…..happy Monday!

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15 thoughts on “Smarter Than a 5th Grader….or Not

  1. You at least seem to be holding on to your sense of humor. I liked this way you gave us a sense of the young person who thought she was the teacher, “Miss Bossy Pants.” 🙂

  2. Oh the joy of subsitute teaching! Have done (survived) a few years of that…over here in Australia. It was at Secondary (high) school; classes of teenagers… Though as a mother of four boys (young men now) there was not much that fazed me… however, some of the girls could seem quite sweet, but be quite sneaky! Hope you had a nice rest, after, what looks like a rather hectic day. An amusing read, thank you. 🙂

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