cooking / humor / Lifestyle

Dear Miss Malicious: Eat Your Veggies, Kids

Dear Miss Malicious, how’s the healthy cooking strategy going?

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Well it’s going great, that is if you remember to trim your asparagus and not put too much salt in it. If you don’t trim the ends of it, it turns out rather chewy, and I can’t say too much about the salt thing. I started out with a sea salt grinder, and it malfunctioned. I think it is technically called a “Wardrobe Malfunction” in today’s world. I was out of just plain-old-regular-salt-that-causes-blood-pressure-problems, so I added Seasoned Salt. The result made you want to make funny expressions with your mouth.

Sea salt? Are you some sort of Spicy Expert?

Uh, no…but why is it that sea salt costs as much as a small car, then the grinder quits on you? Why is it that if you need to replenish the spice cupboard, that in order to do so, you would need to sell your first born child to pay for it? Nevermind, that’s starting to sound like a good idea…

What about the new and unusual – who wants to eat the same old over salted untrimmed asparagus?

Like what do mean, Kohlrabi? Manioc? I recently read a food article on an untimely dethroning of Kale as the “hippest, trend-setting, certified by Californians, green of greens.” It all started out when the foodie author found herself in the veggie isle like a meat-eating dinosaur gone wrong. She had to ask herself a hard question which was: “Just what in the Kale is going on here?” I don’t know about the new stuff, but I think Manioc is toxic, so I might not suggest that one.

Is your son going off to college soon? What’s he majoring in?

Money. I mean, spending money, other people’s money, mainly my money, money I have left over from Spice Shopping.

How’s life in the neighborhood?

Not good, I’m being invaded by ants. The other day I went into the kitchen and they had the microwave loaded up and were preparing to haul it out the door in single file….

What about the neighbors?

Oh just the usual, you have to watch the guy who lives on the left of the house as he frequently attempts to run over pedestrians in his very large truck.

Any unusual ones?

Pedestrians, no; neighbors, yes. Some of them like to dress up. Actually it is just one of them. He likes to dress up and walk around. Sometimes.

Dressing up?

Yes as in the movie Psycho. Sometimes you just miss people so much. I’m sure I will be missed if I can get my son out the door to college…

What will you do with all that free time?

Cook vegetables, of course. Properly, maybe branch out some and boil some Kohlrabi…

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