The Great Underwear Heist

There is some ok news and some worse news in the world of professional sports this week.


The ok news is that the Dallas Cowboys are playing good football again (for those out there who care). This would count as good news except for the fact that apparently the Denver Broncos are now apparently America’s team and not the Cowboys. The even worse news is that the Cowboy’s reserve running back, who has a base salary of $495,000 for the season, which is not only atrocious, but is way, way more than you and I, and even a small city, make. Said running back was just arrested for shoplifting. How can this be, you ask? Well apparently he needed underwear, and a side order of cologne which he decided to pick up in a Dillard’s department store. A two-pack of Polo underwear for $39.50 and a tester bottle of “Gucci Guilty Black.” Guilty? Hmmmm…..sublime messaging? The newly downtrodden running back told police that he would have just kept walking if he had known that being confronted by that “old guy” would lead to his arrest. The old guy being the store security guard. Well here is some advice for wayward running back football stars:

  1. Polo undies at Dillards are way overrated, instead opt for Ross Dress for Less, or any store that has Mart at the end of their name.
  2. Go ahead and wear Guilty, but maybe don’t BE Guilty.
  3. Whatever you are doing with a half-million dollars a year is apparently NOT what you should be doing with it.
  4. I use the word “apparently” way too many times…
  5. $39.50 is much too expensive for a two-pack of underwear, see item #3 above…
  6. Don’t discount the “old guys” who work boring jobs and come by their pay honestly – be careful that you, yourself don’t end up an old guy but with much, much less, and no self-respect.

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