humor

Shark Week Wrap Up – Or….There’s Sharks in Them There Waters

I confess, I am glued to the Discovery Channel during that one fatal week of late summer when the heat is scorching, the air conditioner is full blast, and the kids are whining thinking of having to sit 45 minutes in a class.

VND.Shark-Fin

I look forward to watching and seeing what the marine scientists have learned in the past year. In reality, it is pretty much the same every year, there are sharks, in the ocean where there are sometimes people, and sometimes the sharks come up and eat the people. Then there are those brave souls who slap on rubber looking suits, hoist oxygen tanks and cameras, then go down looking for large predators. I am not sure that I say brave because they want to go head to head with a Great White or if they just dare to PUT ON those rubber suits and agree to be filmed. This year I did learn one new thing: sharks can be put into a catatonic state where they don’t move, don’t bite, etc. This involves turning the shark belly up, and just watching it float along all peaceful like. So the next time you and Aunt Julia are swimming off the Florida coast, and a large bull shark comes up and grabs your leg, just have Auntie J. roll that 1000 pound animal over….that’s how it is done. With age sometimes comes wisdom, and sometimes maybe it’s just laziness. Back in the 1980s I used to swim off the Texas coast to the second sand bar at South Padre Island. Yes for all you very young people, we did have automobiles and swimsuits in the 1980s. We also had Bon Jovi, Madonna, giant boom boxes, and rubber diving suits for crazy people wanting to be shark bait, but I digress. Back in those days I must have been brave because I no longer have the desire to hang out on sandbars. If you are adventurous, then hat’s off to you. If you are more timid, then please remember these important time-worn shark tips:

  1. If there is an ocean
  2. And you are in it
  3. You could be mistaken for a fish, seal, or just a stupid person
  4. Sharks are big
  5. People are not the choice food
  6. However they seem to want to eat a lot of people
  7. You should not swim alone
  8. If you swim with someone else maybe it will be their turn and not yours to be dinner
  9. Don’t wear flashy jewelry or bathing suits, don’t go naked, don’t go at all because if you do, you could be eaten
  10. In spite of this, if you find yourself in the water with one, try rolling the shark over or hitting it on its snout
  11. If the shark weighs like two tons, good luck
  12. Don’t listen to bad music with lots of profanity in it, sharks have a keen sense of hearing and they will not attack if you are playing Bon Jovi
  13. Maybe don’t do the sandbar thing, creatures like to eat out there
  14. Lastly remember swimming pools? Yeah you know what they are for…
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