The Gardener and The Amityville Horror Experience in 2009

A couple days later Dion the Gardener remembers me and he returns when I’m just out in the backyard scooping leaves out of the fish pond, after a really bad storm, wearing my hair curlers (because it is important to multi-task, gentle readers) when Dion’s head pops over the fence.

He surveys a split tree momentarily then says:

WHAT Happened?”

The mini tornado last night.”

What????….we hada tornado?”

I soon realize my folly. “Okay, then the big whirlwind last night.”

Jess I canna see. Jou need a this tree taken down.”

Yes , but Dion, but the landlord is in town now, and he said he was going to do it himself.”

Mr. Landlord is a here? I thought he was OVER THERE.”

No the Landlord is here.”

Jess I see,” says Dion a bit crestfallen. “Okay den, jou will a call me if Mr. Landlord canna not a get dis tree down, right?”

Oh yes, we will call you first thing.” I say as I watch his head disappear over the fence. Something tells me this may be a long summer because it is 80 degrees in February! This will give me at least two or three extra months to work with Dion. Joy oh sweet joy.

March comes into north Texas like a big, windy lion. I sprain my rib muscles while raking out the flower beds. This is not fun, for any of you that haven’t tried it. If that wasn’t bad enough, true to biblical plagues, my house turned into the Amityville Horror. Gentle readers please note that I am not suggesting that my house was yelling at me. I would like to advise any of you, if you are inside a house and it starts talking, please leave. It doesn’t even have to scream “GET OUT,” even if your house just wants to make pleasant conversation or tells you “PUT DOWN THOSE TWINKIES; YOU DON’T NEED THEM.” Then please, just quietly leave your house because you have some legitimate problems somewhere…..and may need professional help or at least Ghostbusters. Anyway back to my personal plague, remember the part of the Amityville movie with the swarming flies? Well I have no IDEA where they came from as something like this has never happened to me before. It might have had something to do with the guys digging up the yard to repair the water sprinklers (dare to dream this summer….) The next thing I knew the house was full of these big, fat flies all over the windows. I just about went nuts. My junior high superstar had a good time swatting, he preferred trying to knock them out in mid-air even using kitchen utensils and step stools to accomplish this. I was so close to calling an exterminator or even the TERMINATOR (well California is broke, who knows Arnold might have needed a gig…) then I decided to make a trip to Wal-mart for some Raid and fly paper. This actually worked, and as suddenly as they appeared, they disappeared.  

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